


knight in check

by Hollow_Whisperings



Series: The fem!Bruce Verse [3]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Bruce Has Issues, Control, Control Issues, Gen, Loss of Control, Perfectionism, Self-Hatred, Self-Reflection, assume alfred shows up with cookies later on, personal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-18
Updated: 2015-12-18
Packaged: 2018-05-07 09:21:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5451563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hollow_Whisperings/pseuds/Hollow_Whisperings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>this isn't about batman, not really.</p><p>this is about... her. </p><p>about me.</p><p>about me trying to let go in the only ways i know how.</p>
            </blockquote>





	knight in check

PASS//: ?

___ORPHAN._

PASS_ACCEPTED. 

_USER_REQUEST//: openLOG_new_

i'm strangled shut. hissing scream? desperation clinging, grasping. stay disciplined, collected, unaffected.

i have to be. i don't know how not to be. i stay in control i have to stay in control. i need to stay in control. always.

always? 

i don't know why. i know maybes. possibilities. factors to the bigger reasonings.

i don't know how to let things go. people in. myself out. i know i'm doing it. now, anyway. reigning myself in. lashing out when i can't. panicking when i don't. 

hurting people sets me off. hurting them when i don't mean to do it, i mean. i can hurt people fine if i'm doing it on purpose. it's when i do it without realising that i

i shouldn't be allowed to hurt people without knowing i am.

i shouldn't be allowed to hurt people.

it's not that i have to do everything perfectly. it's not about anyone else. just me. i have to always do better, be better. slipping back into old habits means i'm not better, not good enough. i'm not allowed to not be good enough. i have to be enough. if i'm not enough then...

i don't know what to do. 

i must have been like this for years. when did it start? then, maybe. everything started then, i think. they think. i don't

i don't like not knowing things.

maybe it started earlier. maybe later. 

i'm tired.

tired of keeping watch all the time. watch over everyone around me (knowledge is power is warning is a way to stay in control). watch over everything around me (knowing every move every move that they might do, what they could do, what they won't would never do). watch over myself, keep myself in check. i have to make sure i don't do things i'm not allowed to. i can't let 

i can't let myself lose control. it's too import

i can't let myself lose control.

check. 

always checking. check. check...

i played chess with father, once. a long time ago. 

twice, maybe.

funny how often it comes up. 

chess. 

my father.

check.

if i'm a knight then i know who my king and queen are. i have to tell myself that my king is justice or truth or 

my queen is mercy. i know in my head that they are not. not really. even if i try and act like they are. i know that anyone who knows me knows that those two truly in rule of myself are not so ambiguous, so metaphorical. they are

were.

they were very real. even long dead and gone they rule over me still. perhaps they will do so always.

of my bishops (advisors, confidants, guardians) i am more sure. i try not to think of whom i would consider to be the pair to my knight. 

i try not to think about a lot of things. 

i'm scared to think whom i would consider pawns (because i know that i have them, even if i do not call them that). i don't want to be someone who treats people like pawns (i am). my need for control should end with me and me alone. no one else should be forced to live with this, under this

check.

careful grooming. careful words. careful movements. careful watch. careful to maintain the illusion of control. it is an illusion because no one truly in control of themselves would so desperately cling to it, need it the way i do.

i need to be in control when i should only have it. i play that i do. playing it so perfectly sometimes i can even play being reckless. play at losing it.

i do that when i play fickle idle bad girl.

i do that when i play bored reluctant businesswoman.

playing the serious veteran soldier.

playing the cautious colleague.

playing the voice of pragmatism.

if all of that is play who am i when i am not playing? who am i without my need for control? who am

checkmate.

LOG//: entry_save?

_LOG//: entry_deleted_

**Author's Note:**

> Leaving intentional errors (cobwebs while cleaning, mispellings in emails, lack of capitalising when writing...) is one way for those with perfectionism to learn to let go. Bruce Wayne is most definitely a perfectionist.


End file.
